Minor Characters

Have you ever noticed the credits at the end of a movie? After the main characters, there’s always a strange assortment of other roles—ones with names like, “man in red shoes” or “coffee shop girl.” Sometimes I sit with my friends and we joke about these roles. But recently, I began to see them in a broader context.

I got to thinking about the overall human story, and the idea that every life is its own sort of movie. As of the moment when I’m writing this, the U.S. Census Bureau projects the population of the world to be 6,714,177,198, and each of those people has their own story. Sometimes it’s really difficult to see past my own story, my movie where I’m the heroine—because it’s all about me (or is it?). I’ve got other title roles in my movie; my family would probably get named, my friends too. Oh, and those people in my life who have caused me pain, frustration, and anger, I’d probably name them just to be spiteful. But those other characters, like the lady who noticed I only had 1 item and let me cut in front of her in the line at the grocery store, or the guy who laughed at me dancing in my car at the stoplight, they’re not that important.

Then I realized that I play roles in other peoples “movies” too. Sure, there are times when I get a title role, where I’m listed by name because I’m a more vivid character—like a sister, daughter, or best friend. And unfortunately, there are probably times when I get cast into the part of the villain because I’ve been unkind or uncaring. But more often than not, are the times when I am the ambiguous character. The character with a role like: “girl in grocery line,” “wedding guest #14,” or “lady at stoplight.” Wait, does that mean that I’m not that important?

Here’s the truth of the matter, we live in a world that is incredibly connected. And every character, every role, is important. I don’t have to be the heroine of the story to change the plot. If I don’t play my role in this world then it will inevitably affect some of the other 6 billion+ characters in the world. The same thing goes for each of them. What if the random recruiter who handed me a flyer for North Carolina had missed her plane? Would I have taught there? What if the unnamed state official who decides on the kindergarten cutoff date had chosen a different date and I was put into a different grade? How would my life have been different? And on the flip side, who would have driven the random college student back to UNC that day in the airport if I hadn’t been “girl on the plane”? How did that change his life? When I’m “elementary school teacher” whose story do I play a part in without even thinking about it? Because we all connect, suddenly the minor character takes on a greater importance. Those events that I often deem incidental turn out to be life changing. And this is just within the context of my life, in my time period. How much greater is the effect if you stretch it out to encompass every person across time?

I have to believe that there is a plan, that somewhere there is the great Writer, who knows that there will be parts of the story that we will not understand and that we might not even notice until later. In the overall story, as in my own and everyone else’s, there is a past, a present, and a future.

Locusts and Blessings

Ten years ago, I knew everything. The world made sense to my 16 year old brain, and I was confident in the truths I knew. I knew that I would teach junior high or high school social studies until I got married at the age of 24. Of course, I would be the incredibly connected teacher with unique insight into the status of the world and be beloved by all my students. They would seek out my insight and hang on to my every word. In my personal life, I would have lots of friends and my own home. It would be decorated in keeping with my eclectic tastes. Alongside my God-loving, intelligent, funny, handsome husband, I would host amazing dinner parties for all our friends. We would be active in our church and let youth group kids come and hang out at our house anytime they wanted to. Basically, I would have my life together and I would be living a movie worthy life.

Flash forward to now. At 26, I have learned a lot. Mostly, I have learned that life doesn’t always work out the way you plan it at 16. My life consists of two elementary school, part time teaching jobs, which I piece together in order to eek out an income while I go to graduate school. Living with my parents, with occasional house-sitting gigs for my grandparents, has not exactly fulfilled the dream I once had. And as for that husband, I haven’t even had a blip on my internal radar for said guy. At this point, I can give a solid rundown as to how singles’ groups operate, and why most of said people are still single. This is in addition to the overwhelming curiosity as to the reason that I am still single. However, I do have the youth group kids who I have come to know and love. So that part of the dream is still alive.

As I look at these radical differences, I am forced to wonder what happened to those years. To be perfectly honest, most of the time I’m still waiting for that 16 year old’s dreams to come true. I have worked hard for these years. I haven’t just been waiting, and yet I wonder, “Have I just wasted the last 10 years? I mean really, what have I done? What was the point?”

But I was reading the book of Joel lately, and it struck a chord with me. This book is the story of a broken nation. The land has been ravaged by crazed, gigantic locusts. As a result, the people have lost their crops and devastation is reigning. And like my mourning for lost time, the people have wondered what the point of their hard work was if they weren’t going to be any further along in the future. This is a feeling I could totally identify with, and I realized that in focusing so much on my lost dream, I had become self-involved and I’d missed the blessings God had given me in the last ten years. So like the nation in Joel, I felt called to confession within my heart. In Joel (vs. 2:25-26), God promises the people that He will “repay [them] for the years the locusts have eaten….and [they] will praise the name of the LORD your God, who has worked wonders.” As I began to confess and reflect back on the years that I have bemoaned for so long, I realized that there has been untold blessings during that time. Even though I deserve no blessings, God took the years that I thought were stolen from me and used them as a time of intense blessing. As I reflect on these blessings, I realize that would not trade these years for the 16 year old version of me’s dream for anything.

So to each of my girls, my family, and all of my other friends who have blessed me as you drifted through the landscape of my life during these years, I love you and thank you for continually urging me on in pursuit of faith and grace.

A Couple Hours to Kill

One of my favorite lead-in questions when I’m trying to get to know someone is, “So, if you had a couple hours to kill, what would you do?” The answers to this question can tell you a lot about a person. Granted, the answers sometimes vary by where that person is in life (student or real world), but they’ll still carry a similar theme. For example, if the answer anything related to work or school (calling in to check on something at work, studying, working on a project), then you know that you are probably dealing with a workaholic or a F.W.A (Future Workaholics of America). If the person answering the question would be reading, chances are they’re pretty intelligent (bonus points if they’re reading nonfiction or the classics). Exercising, then they’re most likely athletic and into their health. If you’re dealing with someone who’s a bit of a nerd, then video games and/or technology are probably present in their answer (math/science for fun also fit in this category). If they’re hanging out with people, then chances are they’re pretty social and probably pretty nurturing. Regardless of the answer, the point is that what you do with free time says a lot about who you are. This is why it’s so tempting to lie about the real answer to this question. Seriously, who wants to answer that if given some free time they’ll spend it watching some sort of reality TV (because they really do want to know what happens when people stop being polite and start being real and who’ll get that rose). Or, that they’re O.Ding on Double Stuff Oreos and Pepsi while pondering their rising weight. Because all that says about you is that you’re a lazy, voyeuristic slob. However, if you can own up to that, then you’re also pretty honest and unafraid to be yourself, which is pretty cool in its own right. But the question remains, if you had an hour or so to kill, what would you do?

Hypotheticals

What if I had gone to a different college?  What if I had had a different major?  What if I had been more outgoing and involved?  What if I had taken a different student teaching placement?  What if I had stayed in Texas when I graduated instead of going to Czech?  What if I had gone into missions when I first wanted to?  What if I hadn’t taught in North Carolina?  What if I hadn’t dated the guys I dated, or maybe what if I had stuck it out with one of them?  What if I hadn’t decided to move home and go to grad school?  What if I had switched churches?  What if I had spent more time with people my own age and less with the high school girls from youth group, or vice versa?  What if I had a different job or different friends?  What if I spent more time getting things done instead of procrastinating?  What if, what if… The hypotheticals are unending.  But I suppose the true question is; in what ways have I chosen what God would have chosen for me and in what ways have I foolishly chosen to go my own way?  And in the end of my time here on earth, will I still end up in the same place?  When will I know the answers?  Will I understand in my lifetime, or will I have to wait for heaven?

But one answer comes.  God has a plan.  He has a time.  And in the end, I trust Him.
Jeremiah 29:11

So, I had a bad day...

The peak of the awfulness was my minor breakdown in the local Verizon Wireless store.  I don’t know what happened, but my phone disappeared sometime in the last 40 hours.  I’m 80% sure it was stolen; which since I typically, and naively, trust the kids I’m around at school, made it that much worse.  Plus, I lost all the phone numbers of everyone I care about.  And since this was the cap of what was a long day anyway, I kinda snapped.  Not pretty.  But bless the guy at the store for being so nice to me and putting up with my crazy.  I now have a phone again.  I have no contact numbers, but I have a phone!  So, at the end of the day, all’s well that ends well.

And as a side note, since I lost all my numbers, I probably no longer have yours (if you are someone whose number I used to have).  So, give me a call or drop me a note.  I hate losing people.

A Bit of Reflection

Well, it has been a while since I have taken a few moments to breathe and reflect on life, but I feel an overwhelming burden to do exactly that.  For me, 2006 was a pretty crazy and confusing year, and as I look into 2007, I am fairly unsure what to expect.

I feel as if I have lived through a multitude of lifetimes during the course of the year.  At the beginning of last year, I was working and teaching 1st graders in North Carolina.  I was on my own, in another state, with great friends and a church family that I loved.  I went through some intense relationships there before I moved home and while they seem so long ago, I still am not sure I have truly processed them.  I just moved on and when I think about them, I’m not sure what to say—mostly I just try to cover the other halves of those relationships in prayer.  My time in NC was so important to me, in many ways; I grew up and became an adult there.  And as much as I missed home, and as much as I had to endure discomfort and failure in my time Fayetteville, I learned so much.

And then I moved home.  I had a lot of reasons.  I missed my family, I missed my friends, I missed being in a place where people know me and I didn’t have to explain myself.  But mostly, I moved because I needed to run from the situation that I was in.  I needed to make a change professionally, and I couldn’t handle what I had there.  I hate saying that.  I hate admitting that I didn’t, and I don’t, have things together.  But that’s the truth.  I don’t know if it’s an oldest kid thing or what, but I have a hard time admitting defeat.

So I moved home.  It’s been strange and difficult at times, but it’s also been comforting and amazing.  Yes, I moved home and back in with my parents at the age of 25.  It’s ridiculous, but I’ve begun to learn so much more about myself as a part of the process.  Grad school has been very good for me.  It’s a process that is proving to be enlightening and overwhelming, but I’m handling it.  My friend situation has proved to be interesting.  I have grown to love those whom I’m around.  While I have few friends my own age, I have developed some highly unlikely friendships with others.  I have a job here that stresses me out, but that I love.  Most importantly, I have a lot more faith now because of it.  And through all of the processes of the year, all of the challenges and revelations, I am finally beginning to understand who I am.

As 2007 is a few hours old now, I know that there will be challenges.  I know that I will not be able to control and direct what happens.  But I am so excited to see what God does.  I can not wait to learn the lessons that He has for me and to build the friendships that He places in my path.  So, bring it on New Year, let’s see what you’ve got.

Lenses

Every few years, I get to foray into the wonderful world of the eye doctor. The part that annoys me the most is when he checks my eyes with the different lenses and I have to tell him through which lens I see the big "E" the clearest.

But in the past couple of days, I've been thinking about what a great metaphor those lenses are for life. As we get older, as we experience more things, I think we gain more "lenses" to view life, literature, movies, etc. through. The more lenses we have, the more we can switch them in and out until we have a clear picture, or understanding, in front of us. It amazes me sometimes how just a little perspective switch can add so much to our understanding of different things. Maybe it needs to be a change in how you view a culture. Maybe the change needs to happen as you view different events. But more importantly, maybe that change needs to be related to how you view a specific person (friend and/or foe). There are so many ways that the lens metaphor can be applied.

The more I think about it, the more I am thankful that God grants us the blessing of living through different situations, teaching us different things, giving us different "lenses" for the world. What an amazing thing it would be if we all managed to grasp the "lens" for how God sees people! I wonder how it would change the world.